Warning: splurge post - totally petty, really.
Sometimes I feel like it's impossible to be joyful all the time. I'd say I'm generally happy/cheerful/smiley most of the time, but every once in a while, i feel like I have to balance all that out with a massive outpour. I think today is one of those days. There wasn't even much of a trigger. I was being selfish and stupid, but for some reason, I managed to justify to myself to wallow in sadness.
Maybe it's a cumulation of stress, but then it wouldn't really make sense that I'm updating my blog. I should be working. Ah well, this is therapeutic.
Some background: I was feeling okay in general. But there was a free ice skating event, and I had talked to some people about it earlier, so I was really eager to go since I hadn't gone skating for so long. Ultimately, after class, I asked people if they were going to it, but it turned out that people were busy, stress, or lame (aka, said it was too cold). There were two events today: 1) internal medicine dinner 2) two people's b-day party. Of course, how could a measly little free ice skating event compare to those two? I guess it wasn't really such a bad thing to not find anybody to go with me, but I just had my hopes up because it seemed like earlier people were interested in going with me. Sounds so selfish. I know. I did eventually find some people who were going, but I didn't really feel comfortable hanging out with them. Yes, another very selfish, bad, prejudiced thing to decide on. I guess by that time, I also gave up and thought the whole ordeal of getting people to do things too much. I even told someone I gave up on ever organizing events. And there were two things to top it all off. 1) I had purposely not asked to go to the IMIG dinner so that I could go ice skating. 2) I felt a tiny bit snuffed since I wasn't invited to the b-day party; though, of course, I probably don't even like those parties. Sounds like elementary school huh? - which leads me to another issue.
Med school of 120 students is just small enough so that I know everyone, but just large enough so that I don't know everyone well, which makes some things awkward because I'm around these people all the time. And then people have their own get together with their tight knit groups, which is okay, but just difficult because some people you know are invited to it, while you aren't. I guess it's totally like elementary school...but even worse because we know what everyone is up to all the time, but we don't know everyone well enough to be friends with everyone. But I guess the bad thing about having a really small class would be that you're forced to be friends with everyone...but what if you don't like everyone or if someone doesn't like you? Then I guess you're just screwed. Of course, the ideal thing would be you can be friends with everyone, but I'm sorry to say this, I'm not ideal. So all in all, with help of some friends, I conclude that 120 people is still good. Let's you pick and choose a bit - offers some "flexibility." Even though I'd like to be included in events/whatever, I guess ultimately, it's best to have some really close friends that you can depend on - even though they might go to that interest group dinner instead of the ice skating event. *There is where you say "awwwww..."*
awwwwwww
ReplyDeleteyi, i totally know what you mean. i always try to organize fun stuff to do and always get really excited about doing it...and then inevitably people drop out last minute despite all your careful planning. it's FRUSTRATING!! i'll always be there for you though :P
awww, thanks! It's nice writing about it because the more I write about it, the more petty it seems. haha.
ReplyDeletewhat happened to your blog? i can't seem to find it anymore!
My program here (structural engineering and geomechanics) has 50+ 1st year masters students but most of them are structural. There's only 2 geomechanics (including me!) and I don't really hang out with the other guy. I don't really take classes with the structural people and by now they all have their own cliques, it seems. And I'm not in any one of these circles. I mean, I know some of them but it's not the same...
ReplyDeletehey yi!
ReplyDeleteyou are a wonderful friend :D
It seems that other people who graduated from MIT going to med school are having similar "friend misgivings". Perhaps we are too used to MIT-type people? (Is there even a "type"?) I am sure you will figure it out soon. Perhaps there are other people in your class who feel the same way? We have 39 people in my bioengineering class of first years, and there are already a few "groups" but we usually plan several big events together and approx. 12 people show up every time (events like hiking, dinner+movie, etc...). I have discovered that different people show up to different events but we are all generally friends. Of course some people may be better friends with others but in that case, I try to help others become better friends (if they are both friends with me). All in all, I think you shouldn't feel guilty about being selfish! You come first :D If you really want to do something, just do it. Actually I have a similar situation right now...I want to go swimming and I don't want to go alone...some friends have agreed to go with me but on certain days they can't make it for one reason or another...and then I don't feel like going. But! I have decided I should have gone anyways if I really wanted to swim.
awww yi!
ReplyDeleteI would have wanted to go ice skating with you (whether you believe that or not). I hope things are going well there... but it seems they are! We all have those days.